Confessions

I was organizing my emails earlier, attempting to reduce my mailbox size (believe it or not, I've accumulated over 7 gigabytes of work-related email) when I happened across my ex's emails. I knew I shouldn't have read any of them, but every time I came across her emails I couldn't help  but read them and revisit the past. Today was no exception.

So I read the last of our emails and took a look at the pictures of us that I was able to save and, well, despite being the one who left her, it breaks my heart remembering how much pain I put her through that moment. Which is precisely why I keep our emails--I want to remind myself of the pain that I caused another human being to keep me in line as much as possible.

Reading our emails reminded me of a certain Filipino song, which I think really captures what she was possibly feeling during that time. Every time I hear this song being played on the radio, I can't help but remember her. Here are the lyrics of the song (sorry, no translations this time), I'll try to post it if I ever figure out how to embed music files here:

Artist: Zelle
Song: Sabihin

Bakit wala ka pa?

Kasama ka'y parang nag-iisa
Pangakong magmamahal

Alis ka rin pala

Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na
Para lang malaman ko
Hmmm...

Naririnig mo ba ako?
Sigaw ko ba'y walang tinig
Nakaya kong walang imik
Naririnig naman ako

Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para lang malaman ko
Hmmm...

Coda:
Iiyak na lang...
Iiyak na lang...
Hey yeah hey yeahhee...

Bakit wala ka pa?
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aalis ka na
Para lang malaman ko

I can really picture her singing this song to me. Now I feel bad.

Like everyone else in the country, I paid my respects to my dad and grandfather just after the weekend. I went together with our helper, whose been serving the family since she was in her teens. She knew my dad and my grandfather well, so I sometimes like asking her questions about my deceased kin, especially about my dad.

So while walking amongst the gravestones, we had another conversation about them. According to our helper, my dad and grandfather didn't get along well. One reason why they always quarrelled was because of my father's womanizing ways which my grandfather didn't approve of.

In the middle of her story, I interrupted our helper, "I'm glad I'm not like him."

She said, "Who are you kidding? I'm sure you have a woman at the side."

WTF? Yeah right. Where there's smoke, there's fire, I understand. But there's no smoke. She's imagining things. ;)

... and you sat by my side... shoulder up to shoulder we shared that 9 o'clock ride...

Reading one of the blogs here reminded me of a situation that I experienced several years back. I think I was still innocent (a virgin) then. It's exactly as how the song began: I was in a commuter bus by the window, seated at the left hand 3 person seats, when she came and sat beside me. Sure, it wasn't 9'o clock, it was around 5 in the afternoon and I was headed home rather than headed to work, but that's not what's important. I found this lady quite attractive and I was actually surprised that she sat beside me because there were quite a lot of empty seats behind me. As usual, I played it safe and rather than assume that sitting beside me was a sign I paid it no mind. Until more passengers boarded the bus, resulting in a guy sitting on the same seat that we occupied. So she squeezed against me, and that was when I started to be uncomfortable.

It's been a long time already, so my memories of what happened are sketchy. I'm 95% sure that I was already in a long distance relationship then, which dissuaded me from doing anything. And I'm quite sure that I felt a lot of strong signals from her -- the way she sat next to me was definitely different than how she was with the other guy, it seemed like she was closer to me. And I'm sure I caught her glancing a bit over at my direction. I remember her asking me what time it was. Bashful me replied and didn't do anything to resume the conversation--or start one; come to think of it, asking someone what time it is isn't exactly a conversation. But I was thinking about it, yeah. It made me uneasy, to the point that I was drumming my fingers on the headrest of the seat in front of us. Then another 'sign' came: she actually put her hand on my hands to stop me in the middle of an intense drum roll -- the passenger in front of me was already getting annoyed and I was too uneasy to notice that on my own.

The rest of the ride went by awkwardly, and it ended with both of us leaving the bus at the same stop, but going opposite ways. I never did try to have that conversation with her, and until now I wonder about it.

This led me to regret not being able to experience the Western practice of simply talking to someone I don't know so that I can get to know them. I think it's because I want to know if (1) I can work up the confidence to actually approach a lady stranger and (2) if I can succeed in befriending her. Too late for that, because whatever will come out of doing that, it's not going to result in a relationship or anything for me, so I don't bother anymore. But still...