Confessions

Someone who knew the stuff that I've been up to asked me for advice. She wanted to know how she could tell if her boyfriend was cheating on her. I couldn't answer her right away, so I told her we needed to have a long conversation about it. We never had that conversation so I aimed to discuss this here and maybe send her my thoughts on the subject.

For me, there are two general means of determining if your boyfriend is cheating or not. The first is to look at behavioral clues, and the second is to get hard evidence. I'm no human psychology expert and I haven't really had the time to think about it so I relied on some articles I found online for help on the behavioral clues and put my own spin on them. Also, for ease of writing, I will be talking about boyfriends, but women are not exempted from this. If you're a guy, just swap boyfriend with girlfriend and swap the pronouns accordingly.

The following five items came from http://hubpages.com/hub/5-Signs-Your-Boyfriend-is-Cheating and the original text is in italics:

1. Suspicious Computer Activity

These days, it's easy to meet men in chat rooms, forums or on instant messenger. Have you seen a suspicious name in your IM window or an unknown chat site in your browser history? A little digging can go a long way. Be careful trying to be a super snooper, though, and give your man space. It's just as easy to meet friends online as it is love interests. Your partner may just be reaching out for other gay people to talk to.

The article talked more about getting evidence rather than observing behaviors when it comes to this item, so I'll talk about the behavior. All you have to do is to watch how your boyfriend uses his computer when you're around. Try approaching him and glance at what he's doing. Is he minimizing some IM windows or browsers when you get near? Does he regularly clear cookies and browsing history? Try asking for permission to use his computer. Does he attempt to clear cache, cookies and browsing history before he allows you access? While this behavior isn't proof of guilt, I'd definitely say that observing this behavior should give any woman a cause to be more alert and observant of her boyfriend's activity.

I'm disappointed that the article failed to include mobile phone activity as well. Pay attention to how your boyfriend uses his mobile phone. Does he bring it everywhere he goes, not letting it out of his sight? When he receives a message, does a flirty smile appear on his lips? If he gets a text message and his phone is out of his reach, grab it and hand it to him. Did you notice a flash of apprehension across his face? In case you're living with your boyfriend, does he keep his phone really close to him when he sleeps? The more yes answers you have to these questions, the more reason you have to be alarmed.

2. Sudden Changes in Schedule

Some men may be spontaneous, but most of us keep a set schedule or standard routine in some form or another. This is especially true for day-to-day activities. Has your man's routine suddenly changed without you knowing why? Did his working hours increase or does he have a new gym schedule? Things often change in our lives. In turn, we decide to try and impress our bosses by working overtime or resolve that it's finally time to get into shape. But what raises suspicion is how these changes are communicated to you. Was the decision made without your input? Was there an attempt to include you? Are there any signs of progress?

Oh-ho-ho. He hit the nail right on the head. The only thing I can add is, pay attention to the reasons that he gives for any change in routine, and use that as a conversational piece later on. He said he needed to go to work earlier because of a meeting? Ask him how the meeting went. Get details, such as the topic of the meeting, who attended the meeting, how long it was, etc. If he's just making an excuse, then he's bound to slip up on the details or he might try to dodge the questions and/or change the topic. Just be careful not to sound like you're interrogating him. Make it sound as conversational as you possibly can, like you're really interested on the meeting rather than doubting whether he was telling the truth or not.

3. Emotional Distance

It's normal for the intensity of your relationship to decrease after you've been together for a while. There may have been a time when you couldn't bare to leave each others' sight and now you both enjoy your time alone. This isn't a sign that he is cheating, only that the relationship is starting to settle into a loving and comfortable phase. Nonetheless, take note of any emotional distancing. Has he stopped listening or laughing? Does he seem distant or spacey, almost as if he's preoccupied? Take note if your partner is there physically, but not quite "there" mentally.

I've nothing to add here. I'm not very good with emotions.

4. Less Time Together

Just as the intensity of a relationship dwindles slightly over time, so may the time you spend together. But spending less time with each other shouldn't be confused with spending no time at all. Don't react too swiftly. Who knows, his company may be ready to close on a huge deal and they need him around the clock. Or there may be some other legitimate circumstance that demands his attention. Many huge time commitments like these don't last for long periods of time and make sense. He may be working 14 hour days, but does he also leave home on weekends? Look for the unreasonable and unexplainable time commitments.

Similar to item 2, pay attention to the details. Where is his time being spent on? Make that a talking point. One strategy that my girlfriend does is we talk about a specific event where I had to be apart from her for a while. She then remembers the details and talks to me about it again after some time had passed to check on the consistency of my story. I have to hand it to her, she's so wily.

5. Instinct

Mom always said follow your instincts and this is a time when that motherly voice can come in handy. If your gut tells you that something is wrong or that some other guy has captured your man's attention, then go with it. But take caution with how far you follow these feelings. Ask yourself if they are legitimate concerns or if you yourself are lacking trust.

WTF? Some other guy has captured your man's attention? I also noticed that item 1 said "your partner may just be reaching out for other gay people to talk to". Did I just use a gay-oriented article as a reference? It doesn't matter, the ideas are sound and should apply to a hetero- or homosexual relationship. Anyway, as for item 5, just remember that gut feel is just that--gut feel. It's nothing. Gut feelings can be wrong. Instinct should lead you to becoming more alert, and not become accusatory. Gut feelings are not enough basis, don't forget that. Same with so-called woman's intuition. If there's no proof, then it didn't happen.

The rest of the page has a few more articles and items that make for an okay read, so check them out. I think we have a complete idea with what we have here already, so I'll just stop here and continue part two--tips on gathering evidence and catching him in the act.