Confessions

... and you sat by my side... shoulder up to shoulder we shared that 9 o'clock ride...

Reading one of the blogs here reminded me of a situation that I experienced several years back. I think I was still innocent (a virgin) then. It's exactly as how the song began: I was in a commuter bus by the window, seated at the left hand 3 person seats, when she came and sat beside me. Sure, it wasn't 9'o clock, it was around 5 in the afternoon and I was headed home rather than headed to work, but that's not what's important. I found this lady quite attractive and I was actually surprised that she sat beside me because there were quite a lot of empty seats behind me. As usual, I played it safe and rather than assume that sitting beside me was a sign I paid it no mind. Until more passengers boarded the bus, resulting in a guy sitting on the same seat that we occupied. So she squeezed against me, and that was when I started to be uncomfortable.

It's been a long time already, so my memories of what happened are sketchy. I'm 95% sure that I was already in a long distance relationship then, which dissuaded me from doing anything. And I'm quite sure that I felt a lot of strong signals from her -- the way she sat next to me was definitely different than how she was with the other guy, it seemed like she was closer to me. And I'm sure I caught her glancing a bit over at my direction. I remember her asking me what time it was. Bashful me replied and didn't do anything to resume the conversation--or start one; come to think of it, asking someone what time it is isn't exactly a conversation. But I was thinking about it, yeah. It made me uneasy, to the point that I was drumming my fingers on the headrest of the seat in front of us. Then another 'sign' came: she actually put her hand on my hands to stop me in the middle of an intense drum roll -- the passenger in front of me was already getting annoyed and I was too uneasy to notice that on my own.

The rest of the ride went by awkwardly, and it ended with both of us leaving the bus at the same stop, but going opposite ways. I never did try to have that conversation with her, and until now I wonder about it.

This led me to regret not being able to experience the Western practice of simply talking to someone I don't know so that I can get to know them. I think it's because I want to know if (1) I can work up the confidence to actually approach a lady stranger and (2) if I can succeed in befriending her. Too late for that, because whatever will come out of doing that, it's not going to result in a relationship or anything for me, so I don't bother anymore. But still...